Tell Me Why This Isn't Going to Work

Sometimes in marriage there's no win-win. Sometimes you're 10 years into it and you realize that you need something more from your spouse in order to be happy. So what do you do?

Me? I wanted to try couples counseling. Him? Not so much. I try to explain what I need. He explains how his needs aren't getting met. We don't move forward. Years pass. Resentment builds. Why can't he just make a few changes? Why is it so difficult for me to make changes?

Let me explain a bit so you can understand and we can have a conversation. I want a partner. Someone who likes spending time with me and our kids. He wants more intimacy. It's hard for me to feel an emotional connection (helps with intimacy!) because I don't have the partner I want. And around and around and around we go. He doesn't understand why it's so hard for me to be intimate. He can't or won't change. So here we are.

Like I said: years passed. It feels like the next step is divorce unless something changes. I've already established that he's not changing. That leaves me to make changes. This is an ongoing process for me. Therapists and friends tell me, "You need to figure out how to be happy, for yourself."

What does that mean? I'm still trying to work on that one, but if I boil it down simply, it seems to make some sense to me. What would make me happy? I'd love to be in a happy marriage and happy husband and wife relationship. I've been trying and it seems like that's not attainable right now, maybe never. So my next best choice? I want my kids to be happy. Here's where it gets tricky. I know my kids better than anyone in the world. I know they won't be as happy in a divided household. I know, I know. "Don't stay married just for the kids!" I've heard it. Believe me. My husband and I don't fight. We carry on as normal in front of the kids. I'm sure they sense some tension sometimes, but I really think they are happier having both parents together

Here's where it's about putting myself third. I need to keep the family together for my kids. The way to do that is to give my husband what makes him happy. If he's happy, there's less tension, the kids are happy, I'm happy. I like that logic! I can be as selfish as the next person, but when it comes to my kids, their happiness is the most important. Period.

It doesn't always feel that great to do it. I'm from the women-can-do-everything/men-and-women-are-equal/the-wife-isn't-subservient generation. I'm not a religious zealot who must "obey" her husband. In fact, I'm the chief bread-winner. I handle the household finances, the kids' schedules, and lots more. I'm in charge of just about everything.

So, I'm taking control and making some changes. What do people say? Fake it until you make it. That's what I need to do. Put on the happy wife face. Put on the happy mom face. Put on the happy employee face. It's not easy.

Any advice?